it is... a new year. a year of tiger, according to the chinese. tiger symbolizes bravery, enthusiasm, determination. but now i have none of those. my year started unhappily.
first of all, i am really disappointed with my own attitudes and bad habits. still the same old me, engulfed by selfishness and laziness. i thought i had improved at least a little bit throughout the year but obviously i was wrong. laziness is the most severe one. i still gave way to the playfulness and the wildness of my nature and i wasted this one and a half months holiday, which i should have used it to revise my studies. others could have succeeded my progression greatly just by study a little bit per day. i could have done it but i did not. i am such an useless person in managing my own life and time. gave in to temptations so easily. gosh! how i wish i am a little bit more hardworking. everytime i decide to be more disciplined but everytime i fail myself. how i wish i have the motivation to push me harder. and now i am so depressed. i do not know what should i do now. helplessness devours me like darkness covering the earth at night. when will my dawn reappear? i wonder. selfishness, i still do not know how to have less of myself and more of others. everything is still about me. still do not know how to be more considerate. still activating my volcano easily. i prayed for forgiveness but have i forgiven the others? i prayed for mercy but have i had mercy on the others? i prayed for a cheerful heart but has my heart not be troubled by the worldly things? i had not been a good daughter nor i a considerate girlfriend. to friends i had not been kind and to strangers i had not shown mercy. i prayed to be a Christlike person but am i one step closer to it? i do not think so. i am so ashamed of my current self. i really pray for God to give me wisdom to handle the situations i will face and the determination of the tiger to achieve the resolutions i made.
secondly, i do not look forward to starting this new year. all too heavy and depressing for me already. i could not find a point of balance with i feel comfortable at. too much troubles and worries. i wonder if i can succeed in things i lay my hands on? probably not, because i am not useful enough. i wonder at time of trials, where are all my faith? God please help me, to be a lovable and teachable child, to be more enthusiastic toward my own journey of life.
"i need to be stronger and more disciplined!" cries my heart.
