it feels secure to be at home, to be surrounded by friends, to be in my own comfort zone without fearing someone else might hurt me. perhaps, coming back serves as an escape from all the unwanted heart breaking situations i am facing or will be facing outside. ironically, wanting to be at home is because we miss our family and everything/everyone in our hometown but i am not. not that i do not miss them, i do. but somehow, i feel like coming back is a form of escapism. especially now.
many questions run through my mind lately. what am i fearing? why is everything turning out this way? i feel like i am no longer alive. some parts of my heart are missing. why is this so? so many mysteries unsolved. i feel so miserable and lost now. i do not know what God wants me to see. i feel suffocated in my own world. terrible.
once i thought that people should be genuine because that is how you really open out yourself to others and make others dear to your heart. but now, i am the one wearing masks rejecting anyone who make efforts to come into my life. i feel so bad but i cannot figure out why. self-protection mechanism? perhaps, the wounds cannot be cured as easily as i think it will. the broken heart is not something that i can accept openly. but i guess everything is too late by now.
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