Last Fight.

God is going IN with me.

After All

God's grace is sufficient for me.

I admit my faith have not been very strong all these while. Very fragile in fact. And it swings as if it is a woman having premenstrual syndrome. I'm not joking. It can be very persuasive sometimes, then all of sudden it is seemed roaming across the hectic and hassle city - aimless. Especially now that it is exam season, albeit I only have one more paper left, it seems to be constantly living in fear.

Who wouldn't worry about their future?
Who wouldn't care about their future career?
Who wouldn't feel frustrated when things are not going smoothly as planned?
Who wouldn't feel discouraged when what they have prepared are useless in times of need?
Who wouldn't lose their self-confidence when they know it's actually very easy but still they cannot provide the answer on the spot?

I felt all the way lost and defeated. I am not the kind of weak person who would cry easily but I did. It was awful and tiring. All the stress and disheartenment piled up to be more than endurable. At the edge of breaking down I have no one to turn to, except Him. I actually cried out, "God, God, such a useless child, how can You use her in the future? How can You feel proud of her?" I did not receive any response. All I have asked for is a little miracle. Tears have not dried when I finally fell asleep. The frogs were still guabak-ing from under the drain, or the forest.

I felt very incapacitated even when I woke up this morning. Things have not been very different. The fact that I have ruined the papers have not been erased. It never would. The mask that I deliberately put on, the tears I withheld in front of all the yes-I-have-nailed-it-down eyes, my heart sank. Instantly I felt so inferior. What have I done to deserve all these failures? I have worked so hard for it. The world is never fair, isn't it? Probably I wasn't even supposed to be here.

Finally I chose to run away from the crowd. At least I can be myself in my small small world. Logged on to college WiFi, I have not a slight intention to open my Facebook page. The world in there is not real. No one inside really cared if you have disappeared. Browsing through the blogs, places where people are more likely to express themselves more genuinely (at least I believe so), two of them caught my attention. Again, tears wet my cheek.

God has not forsaken me.

Different persons, different encounters, still He is there for all of us, especially those who are weary, dispirited and brokenhearted. He never really left. All the happenings are meant to draw us closer back to Him, not otherwise. And it is during these moments you intensely seek Him and feel His presence. I might have repeated this for several times previously but this doesn't mean I have forgotten it. It's simply because this is what I need to relearn everyday. Sometimes I can't help but to think myself a hypocrite - able to convince others of God's promises but not to myself. Perhaps, a constant reminder for myself to stop doubting and fearing is vital. Now I remember what I have read years ago. God gives us trials in life and many times the lessons we learned through it are the same because we forget easily.

To let go of our past failures and to surrender them to God are never easy tasks. But God, most wonderfully and miraculously, can always solve our problems. I'm surrendering my future. I'm not thinking about it anymore. I'm learning, Father.

无言

考完试，本该是开心的。。。

端午节

今年的端午节虽然没有家人一起庆祝也没有粽子吃，可是依旧可以 google 看粽子照片。

何乐而不为？

最爱的就是红豆沙粽子！

开玩笑！

这不是重点。

虽然身在异乡一点点的节日气氛都没有，可是还是有教堂里牧师、主内弟兄姐妹的关怀与热诚，更不缺学院里朋友们开心的欢笑声与满满的爱，最重要的家人们也都平安无恙。

节日的意义何在，若不是亲朋好友们都健康快乐？

感谢主所赐的恩典满溢！

Praise Brings Results

Today's devotion, from www.ccci.org.
 
"And at the moment they began to sing and to praise, the Lord caused the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir to begin fighting among themselves, and they destroyed each other!" (2 Chronicles 20:22).
 
The armies of Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir had declared war on King Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah. So Jehoshaphat called the people together and prayed, "Oh, our God. Won't you stop them. We have no way to protect ourselves against this mighty army. We don't know what to do but we are looking to You."
Then the Lord instructed the people, "Don't be afraid, don't be paralyzed by this mighty army for the battle is not yours, but God's! Tomorrow, go down and attack them!...But you will not need to fight. Take your places; stand quietly and see the incredible rescue operation God will perform for you" (2 Chronicles 20:15-17).

After consultation with the leaders of the people, Jehoshaphat determined that there should be a choir, clothed in sanctified garments and singing the song, "His Loving kindness Is Forever," leading the march. As they walked along praising and thanking the Lord, He released His mighty power in their behalf.

One of the greatest lessons I have ever learned about the Christian life is the importance of praise and thanksgiving. The greater the problem, the more difficult the circumstances, the greater the crisis, the more important it is to praise God at all times, to worship Him for who He is; for His attributes of sovereignty, love, grace, power, wisdom and might; for the certainty that He will fight for us, that He will demonstrate His supernatural resources in our behalf.

As in the case of Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah when they began to praise God and He caused the three opposing armies to fight against each other and destroy one another, God will fight for us if we trust and obey Him. There is no better way to demonstrate faith and obedience than to praise Him and to thank Him, even when our world is crumbling around us and the enemy is threatening to destroy. God honors praise. Hebrews 13:15 reminds us, "With Jesus' help, we will continually offer our sacrifice of praise to God by telling others of the glory of His name."

Bible Reading: Psalm 136:1, 21-26 

TODAY'S ACTION POINT: Today I will continue to praise God and give thanks to Him for who He is. When difficulties arise, I will praise Him all the more and thank Him for His faithfulness. I will depend upon the supernatural resources of God which enable me to live the supernatural life, regardless of the circumstances.

***

Afterthought:

When I came across this, I could feel the fire in my heart rekindled - the faith restored. It was my Father in heaven, who has heard my desperate cry and appeal, talking to me through the scriptures. Recently, exam stress and concerns for the future have succeeded in distracting me from fixing my eyes solely on Jesus. Or should I say, ever since I stepped out of my comfort zone, the fear has never left, regardless of all the knowledge that I have acquired about God and His promises. The sudden epiphany taught me to fully understand what Aunty Michele has once told us. (It was dated many years back. Oh I feel so old now.) The knowledge (of God) if stays in mind produces no effects whatsoever. It is not until the knowledge has dissolved into your heart and that you have opened up your heart to trust like a child of his father i.e. total surrender to God's will, you have come to experience and accept Christ personally. Paraphrased. Oh well, I might have added some myself. On that very instant, I knew for sure the anxiety and vexations that I have in my heart, Jesus understands them all. 

Rejoice even when you think you have never been so worse off; be thankful for every little/crucial thing that you have gained or lost, you never know what God has in store for you; pray unceasingly and trust faithfully for God listens and He never fails. The least thing you would want to do is to worry. God makes you. No parents would turn away from their children when their children are incapable of even feeding themselves. What more can we expect from God, the Parent of all parents? He will not give beyond your abilities, nor will He allow you to carry the cross all by yourself. The heaviest cross has already been taken up for your sake in fact. 

Buck up and move on! Your God IS fighting for you and He has already CONQUERED the battle!

Blessings in Disguise?

Went to University Malaya Medical Centre (UMMC) last week. For a super tedious medical check-up. To cut the lengthy story short (I'm not good in narrating anyways), I met Andy Ko. Actually he offered to accompany me - a wonderful surprise from God. That was the best part of the whole trip. I thought I would need to get everything done all alone; I thought no one really cared. But then, through him God was reminding me that sometimes all we need are but a little trust in other individuals and simply allow them to lend us a helping hand. God works through them too! Time spent with Andy in the hospital was neither too long or too short but suffice to make me ponder about the definition of a genuine friend (I guess that's the adjective for it). I'm truly blessed to have a friend like him and indeed friends as such are the angels God has given to teach us valuable lessons in life. And yes, I really think time sacrificed willingly is one of the many love languages that we ought to possess.

Thank you, Andy, for the warmth you have installed in my heart. I'm pretty sure it's going to last for a very long period of time.

________________________________________________
Afterthought: Every little thing you do matters, be it positive or negative.

Yet to be Found.

All the way back I have not talked to anyone but You. 

The prayer I have uttered over and over asked for nothing but a miracle

for I know You, only You, have the power to give and take.

I have failed myself but You, my author, never.

Under Your hand the most beautiful stories are written;

even when the queen of bleakness laugh, in Your arms my dreams are secured.

Hear my petition, dear Papa, I have no one to turn to but You.

Your promises alone in tears I persevere still.

Help me.