After All

God's grace is sufficient for me.

I admit my faith have not been very strong all these while. Very fragile in fact. And it swings as if it is a woman having premenstrual syndrome. I'm not joking. It can be very persuasive sometimes, then all of sudden it is seemed roaming across the hectic and hassle city - aimless. Especially now that it is exam season, albeit I only have one more paper left, it seems to be constantly living in fear.

Who wouldn't worry about their future?
Who wouldn't care about their future career?
Who wouldn't feel frustrated when things are not going smoothly as planned?
Who wouldn't feel discouraged when what they have prepared are useless in times of need?
Who wouldn't lose their self-confidence when they know it's actually very easy but still they cannot provide the answer on the spot?

I felt all the way lost and defeated. I am not the kind of weak person who would cry easily but I did. It was awful and tiring. All the stress and disheartenment piled up to be more than endurable. At the edge of breaking down I have no one to turn to, except Him. I actually cried out, "God, God, such a useless child, how can You use her in the future? How can You feel proud of her?" I did not receive any response. All I have asked for is a little miracle. Tears have not dried when I finally fell asleep. The frogs were still guabak-ing from under the drain, or the forest.

I felt very incapacitated even when I woke up this morning. Things have not been very different. The fact that I have ruined the papers have not been erased. It never would. The mask that I deliberately put on, the tears I withheld in front of all the yes-I-have-nailed-it-down eyes, my heart sank. Instantly I felt so inferior. What have I done to deserve all these failures? I have worked so hard for it. The world is never fair, isn't it? Probably I wasn't even supposed to be here.

Finally I chose to run away from the crowd. At least I can be myself in my small small world. Logged on to college WiFi, I have not a slight intention to open my Facebook page. The world in there is not real. No one inside really cared if you have disappeared. Browsing through the blogs, places where people are more likely to express themselves more genuinely (at least I believe so), two of them caught my attention. Again, tears wet my cheek.

God has not forsaken me.

Different persons, different encounters, still He is there for all of us, especially those who are weary, dispirited and brokenhearted. He never really left. All the happenings are meant to draw us closer back to Him, not otherwise. And it is during these moments you intensely seek Him and feel His presence. I might have repeated this for several times previously but this doesn't mean I have forgotten it. It's simply because this is what I need to relearn everyday. Sometimes I can't help but to think myself a hypocrite - able to convince others of God's promises but not to myself. Perhaps, a constant reminder for myself to stop doubting and fearing is vital. Now I remember what I have read years ago. God gives us trials in life and many times the lessons we learned through it are the same because we forget easily.

To let go of our past failures and to surrender them to God are never easy tasks. But God, most wonderfully and miraculously, can always solve our problems. I'm surrendering my future. I'm not thinking about it anymore. I'm learning, Father.