I am proud to announce that I'm graduating real soon as an Interior Architect. Yay... It's a lie. Well, I do look forward to finishing the course asap but for the time being, I feel extremely stressful and overwhelmed I just feel like quitting.
I had anxiety issue when I was younger and it was part of the reasons I was unable to perform during the most important occasions. I would be so restless and worried that nothing could actually penetrate my mind. I would be so trembled in fear, as if my sanity is being torn apart. I had it dealt with a few years ago and since then nothing was too stressful to overcome.
However, it seems like there are still some fragments here and there. They unknowingly accumulate and grow in the deepest part of my mind. Recently, whenever I felt threatened by the situations, I wanted to just withdraw and disappear. I almost broke down in several incidences. I was having creativity block and constantly feeling fatigue and worn out, as if the fire of life is being put out. There was not a thing I felt excited or passionate about. I didn't want to face any of it. Later, it somehow occurred to me that these are all too familiar, like something that I have had for a long time but forgotten or buried, yet different.
There were so much confusions and distress but God! He is a God who is close to the brokenhearted and crushed in the spirit (Psalm 34:18). He gave me revelation of the time and seasons in my life, and it propelled me to move forward and not give up. He showed me that it is exactly because I am entering a major transition period that He is allowing this "anxiety attack" so that I can deal with it completely and wrap up the last seasons properly before entering a whole new season. Even as I'm typing this article out, God is revealing new things about me to myself and I am grateful for that. I am so thankful that amidst all these trials and misery, I chose to cling on to Him. Oh... Of course along the way unconsciously I grumbled against Him, had my volcanos erupted, cried, retaliated, etc. but God always knew when to speak to me, show me things and words, to encourage me and to lift me up effectively. He is gracious to allow all those outbursts without forsaking me because He is a God who does not define me by what I did and do, but by who I am in Christ. For me, I guess, maturity comes through experiences like these sometimes. I have learned to control my emotions better over the past weeks, at least good enough to not cause troubles to people around me.
What I wanted to say is that, upon entering and during transitions, things get messed up but it's alright. I am still fighting anxiety, trying to close the "door" and demolish it, but it's a process that I have to go through to develop what is required in me and of me to achieve my destiny. And for that to succeed, I have to learn to focus on God and not concern myself with how others may think, as well as the pace that I'm moving at. "One step at a time," He says, "it doesn't matter if it's just baby steps, one step at a time will bring you further than you can imagine, further than when you're rushing outside of My timing for you. Just one step at a time." Acceleration comes naturally when one has learned to walk steadily and punctually.
I have decided to write this because I want anyone reading this to know that though people seldom talk about it, you are never alone in this. I don't want to tell people how it is when it's over. I want to walk them through it together. I can do it because God is my strength and my stronghold. I really thank God, the Jehovah Jireh, for providing spiritual advices, supports and guidances through revelations, family and friends, and spiritual leaders.
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I am an overcoming bride of Christ.
