Rays of Hope on A Journey Worth Remembering

O Lord, I bring to you the weariness and disappointment that a heart so fragile and weak as mine could not possibly endure. No, I give you my heart, all of it. Mend it, O Lord, use it, and make it wholly thine. 

To you alone I surrender my egoism and my pride.

A girl so deeply in love with her own thoughts, never stops assuming what she does are acceptable and pleasing in God's eyes. Yet she forgets to trust like a child and overlooks her own weakness to obey faithfully.

Chapter 1: Doubt Doubt Doubt

It wasn't even a delightful semester to begin with because failures have already marked the starting point predominantly. Results, utterly disappointing. Relationships, heartbreaking. Academic, super stressful. I was practically ashamed of myself due to my lack of abilities in making the best out of the opportunities given to me. I have to admit, I wasn't brave enough to face all the failures back then. I cried and I questioned God in hopelessness. How little faith my soul possessed! The next few weeks was a total disaster, meaningless and destructive as it was, nothing really succeeded in motivating me. The emptiness I felt within was so real and I kind of doubted if God existed. If He does, He will sweep away the dusts of regrets and change my slowly-dying heart with a new one full of love, hope, peace, and joy. I, no longer the O-Lord-I-have-a-burning-desire-for-You. The fire was at its tip of getting exhausted.

[ Here, I owe a big thank you to my mum, who never stops listening to my complains, heartaches, disappointments. She constantly encourages and reminds me of God's grace. Thank you mummy. ]

Despite being incertitude of whether I have chosen the right paths, I still prayed and waited quietly for His answers - my instinct told me that my God is faithful. Great works always require a certain level of patience, aren't they?

O God, I need miracles.

Chapter 2: Epiphany

I forgot what happened next for I have very limited memory space in my brain-drive. The situations were basically still the same. No, it became better each day. Not that I performed better in my academics (maybe I did), nor I am involved in a new relationship, perhaps it's the change of my perspective toward life. God showed me quite candidly the matter of success and failure serves only to boost our fame and popularity for a temporary period of time - the effects aren't even long-lasting. He told me not to focus on the worldly achievements, also not to bother how others may think of me. With a small but still voice He reminds me, I am your God, the God of second chances. Look to me and I will walk with you. Remember, My grace is ever sufficient for you. All your worries, all your anxiety are nothing compared to all the blessings I have showered on you.

Every morning I wake up a fresh beginning, knowing God is omnipresence. He walks by my side when I am well, He carries me when I am too weak for the challenges. Like a bird my soul experiences freedom and rejoices. No more second thought, I am living for you my dear God.

You are my child, ask and you shall receive.

Chapter 3: Hope Is In Every Breath That I Breathe

Though not immediately, I felt a ray of hope shining down upon me like the sunshine falling on my skin. The walls of doubt slowly crumbled, tossed, and torn as the words of God diffused into my blood and cells. I felt my soul renewed in the presence of Christ Jesus. I found new purposes in life, to aspire for God, not gold; to see the needs of the people, not myself; to boast the love of Jesus, not my accomplishments. Only God has the power to give me breath and will and hence I will breathe for Him alone.

I see faith in You, O Lord. You are my hope. 

Chapter 4: Leaps of Faith

God knows exactly how I loath at the necessitate to give up something I am confident with in order to start another journey which I have no idea at all where it will bring me to. Honestly, although I understood clearly that it is God's blessing that I am offered a scholarship to further my studies abroad, I doubted whether or not I have chosen the right path for my future career. Again, God through a new friend of mine, reminded me that sometimes He closes all the doors except one. And that will definitely be the correct one. All we need is a mass of faith, not fear. Expect more from Him. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Faith is bringing along an umbrella when you pray for rain, and not even a raincoat when you pray for good weather. 

Chapter 5: God Is Good All The Time

My flight back to my hometown was postponed because I was forced to attend BTN (Biro Tatanegara) camp which was scheduled at the second week of my holiday. (FYI, I was supposed to reach home on the second day of my holiday.) Good grieve, Lord! You know how much I wanted to be at home now especially after all the mess I have created here.

But just as love never fails, God never fails too. God made the camp enjoyable and I didn't have a single regrets having to attend the camp.God's blessings were far more than I could count with my ten fingers. I'll list down a few major ones.

1. I met new friends from IMU, KTT, and Intec. They are amazing!
2. Now I understood the Malaysian Constitution in details more.
3. More creative ideas for fun games, teachings next time. They taught us things in very creative ways which made things easier to be remembered.

Too bad I did not have the privilege to experience the excitement of playing flying fox. Whoever prayed for rain that day, shame on you. xP

Rejoice! Seek carefully, there will always have blessings in disguise in midst of all the troubles.

Chapter 6: True Love Obeys God

A friend of mine has a blog full of life-changing testimonials and breath-taking stories. I especially like a post written regarding a vision given by God about love. There were fleshes of images where the thorns of roses pricked his fingers when he tried to pluck some. Then he saw a girl who later helped him to clean his wounds. Amazingly the wounds disappeared when she finished cleaning the wounds. Not even scars were seen, pains were felt. Through the visions, he heard God telling him that the girl God will give him will be the one who will make him not just everything he is, but will also come in and take away the pain of his past, and exchange it for the joy and assurance. Very true indeed.

Ps. You know who you are. I sincerely apologise for using the content without your consent. Thanks.

I think, there are a greater message hidden behind the visions. God, more powerful than all mankind, sent Jesus, His only begotten Son to die for our sins on the cross. Only He has the ability and power to wash us as clean as snow, give us joy, hope, and love. Therefore, focus solely on God, wait upon Him and not the world for what He gives are without flaws.

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

Last Chapter: A Walk to Remember

Life is full of hopes though sometimes we may not notice it. Even when everything seems to be only in black and white, we can still see and experience God's miracles at works.

God is romantic. He shows His love to all of us in a very unique way, far special than any men on earth could ever think of. In fact, He is our lover. And we, His.

I HAVE AN AWESOME GOD.