it feels secure to be at home, to be surrounded by friends, to be in my own comfort zone without fearing someone else might hurt me. perhaps, coming back serves as an escape from all the unwanted heart breaking situations i am facing or will be facing outside. ironically, wanting to be at home is because we miss our family and everything/everyone in our hometown but i am not. not that i do not miss them, i do. but somehow, i feel like coming back is a form of escapism. especially now.
many questions run through my mind lately. what am i fearing? why is everything turning out this way? i feel like i am no longer alive. some parts of my heart are missing. why is this so? so many mysteries unsolved. i feel so miserable and lost now. i do not know what God wants me to see. i feel suffocated in my own world. terrible.
once i thought that people should be genuine because that is how you really open out yourself to others and make others dear to your heart. but now, i am the one wearing masks rejecting anyone who make efforts to come into my life. i feel so bad but i cannot figure out why. self-protection mechanism? perhaps, the wounds cannot be cured as easily as i think it will. the broken heart is not something that i can accept openly. but i guess everything is too late by now.
where is my life?
suddenly realised that the time passes so swiftly that even if i wish to hold them back, i cannot. i had not have time to sit down and carefully make a card or whatever kind of arts for a very long time. really miss those days when i had plenty of time to do activities that i am interested in the most. i am really scare that i will soon forget the feeling of indulge myself in arts. ah! how horrible is that! perhaps, i really should reschedule my time so that i can have a more fruitful life, even in the middle of a jungle.
when you are away
physical distance breaks no relationships
but i wonder how long (distance) does it takes to connect two hearts?
but i wonder how long (distance) does it takes to connect two hearts?
i am happy = )
received a lot of chocolates from my petsis, Wani who has just returned from langkawi.
yummy... xD
thanks petsis
the truth is rarely pure and never simple
everytime i encounter people that treat me poorly, i pretend i do not see it. but sometimes, it is just so obvious to an extent that even if you try to ignore it, you cannot. studying in KL does not give me much experience to be honest except it opens my eyes and teaches me how to differentiate between sincerity and hypocrisy.
some people may appear to be unfriendly and some sociable. however, many times we will discover that the first is the one you can put your trust in, the latter is a totally selfish and arrogant brat. what i trying to say is not finding a more solitary person but to be careful when choosing friends. do not ever take and believe everything others tell you word by word. instead, observe them closely, their attitude towards different issues, their treatments for people other than someone they are close with, etc. i had been through a very hard time to finally realise the fact that not everyone is good in nature. betrayal happens often and self-importance becomes the vital. so take heart.
anyway, i just wish that all my friends be endowed with the joy of having at least one friendship that can be kept for whole life. cheers!
some people may appear to be unfriendly and some sociable. however, many times we will discover that the first is the one you can put your trust in, the latter is a totally selfish and arrogant brat. what i trying to say is not finding a more solitary person but to be careful when choosing friends. do not ever take and believe everything others tell you word by word. instead, observe them closely, their attitude towards different issues, their treatments for people other than someone they are close with, etc. i had been through a very hard time to finally realise the fact that not everyone is good in nature. betrayal happens often and self-importance becomes the vital. so take heart.
anyway, i just wish that all my friends be endowed with the joy of having at least one friendship that can be kept for whole life. cheers!
when everything goes wrong
everyone else was telling stories of how wonderful and interesting their weekends were. i, too, had wonderful time, until i came back to college this evening. no electricity, dust, slippery floor - obviously when i mentioned slippery floor, everyone would think of someone slipped. and that was me. i felt miserable at first. i decided to settle and do my devotion. then i saw the four words on my handphone accessory "常常喜乐" which means rejoice always. indeed everything happens for a reason, or more. perhaps, God wants me to learn to give thanks and rejoice in Him. =)
thank God i did not break my hands and legs (just some little bruises and cuts)
thank God i did not knock my head
thank God i did not break my handphone (i was holding my handphone when i fell)
thank God the night was not hot and it was raining slightly
thank God who taught me how to rejoice in spite of misery
God is good all the time.
thank God i did not break my hands and legs (just some little bruises and cuts)
thank God i did not knock my head
thank God i did not break my handphone (i was holding my handphone when i fell)
thank God the night was not hot and it was raining slightly
thank God who taught me how to rejoice in spite of misery
God is good all the time.
a reminder
i finally left the college today, this afternoon, to breathe fresh air (although the air in KL also is polluted). but at least, i am no more inside for now. happy for the non-spicy food, happy for the excellent internet line, happy for being able to go window shopping. hahahah...
i just viewed my brother's blog and suddenly realised that my blog is very dull and not up-to-date. how sad it is to realise the truth. =X so now is the time, to add some fresh "ingredients", but not now obviously.
well, i just finished my trials. no matter how the result may be, i decided to surrender them all to God. for now, i just want to enjoy my super duper short holiday - my precious weekend. tomorrow i am going out with my dear and i really wish that it will be a very exciting and memorable day for both of us.
and one important reminder. i heard from my sister during dinner just now that some "false prophets" came to them and preached to them few days ago. they talked of something that emphasise passover feast (way too much) and baptism "immediately". i think some people really just cannot get themselves to understand the Bible. they just studied a little bit here and there and combined them to become another "true" stories of salvation. indeed the end of the world is coming soon, but that is not for us to predict, because as the Bible says, when the world is towards the end, there will be false prophets and someone claiming themselves as Jesus Christ. as a christian, i am really concern about these. i remember my advisers used to tell us that we ought to equip ourselves with adequate Bible knowledge so that we will know how to tackle the questions. and i think it is extremely important for us to spread the gospel to the non-believers before the false prophets get to them. this cannot be achieved by ourselves, so we need to pray for it and summit everything to God. then what we need to do is allow God to use us as His instruments to touch other lives and let God's will be done.
meditate on God's word alone
and break our hearts for what breaks His
i just viewed my brother's blog and suddenly realised that my blog is very dull and not up-to-date. how sad it is to realise the truth. =X so now is the time, to add some fresh "ingredients", but not now obviously.
well, i just finished my trials. no matter how the result may be, i decided to surrender them all to God. for now, i just want to enjoy my super duper short holiday - my precious weekend. tomorrow i am going out with my dear and i really wish that it will be a very exciting and memorable day for both of us.
and one important reminder. i heard from my sister during dinner just now that some "false prophets" came to them and preached to them few days ago. they talked of something that emphasise passover feast (way too much) and baptism "immediately". i think some people really just cannot get themselves to understand the Bible. they just studied a little bit here and there and combined them to become another "true" stories of salvation. indeed the end of the world is coming soon, but that is not for us to predict, because as the Bible says, when the world is towards the end, there will be false prophets and someone claiming themselves as Jesus Christ. as a christian, i am really concern about these. i remember my advisers used to tell us that we ought to equip ourselves with adequate Bible knowledge so that we will know how to tackle the questions. and i think it is extremely important for us to spread the gospel to the non-believers before the false prophets get to them. this cannot be achieved by ourselves, so we need to pray for it and summit everything to God. then what we need to do is allow God to use us as His instruments to touch other lives and let God's will be done.
meditate on God's word alone
and break our hearts for what breaks His
God promises safe landings
i just finished my literature in english trial this afternoon. tomorrow biology paper 2 is waiting for me. scared, worried, of course. i am not a super genius. but i have God, a victorious God. this is what i learned from this season of trial examinations. trust in God, say it and your mean it. i had been grumbling and scolding myself for not being able to achieve what i desired, and what i had been praying for. i was frustrated to be honest. i questioned God whether or not i am His children, just like i asked my parents before when they scolded and punished when i was a child. then i was reminded by the words thrown at me. "you always comfort others by asking them to trust God and He is with them, why cannot you yourself believe at Him in this very moment?" ouch! that really hit me. and it ached. all of sudden i felt as if i am a hypocrite, not doing what i told others i believe in. a sense of guilt filled me and i guessed that was God reminding me of His goodness, that we shall wait and let His will be done. for His way is not our ways and His timing is not ours.
i really thank God for everything when i am backsliding, He sends an angel, or more, into my life and really comfort me and assure me of His great promises.
thank you Father.
a new year depression
it is... a new year. a year of tiger, according to the chinese. tiger symbolizes bravery, enthusiasm, determination. but now i have none of those. my year started unhappily.
first of all, i am really disappointed with my own attitudes and bad habits. still the same old me, engulfed by selfishness and laziness. i thought i had improved at least a little bit throughout the year but obviously i was wrong. laziness is the most severe one. i still gave way to the playfulness and the wildness of my nature and i wasted this one and a half months holiday, which i should have used it to revise my studies. others could have succeeded my progression greatly just by study a little bit per day. i could have done it but i did not. i am such an useless person in managing my own life and time. gave in to temptations so easily. gosh! how i wish i am a little bit more hardworking. everytime i decide to be more disciplined but everytime i fail myself. how i wish i have the motivation to push me harder. and now i am so depressed. i do not know what should i do now. helplessness devours me like darkness covering the earth at night. when will my dawn reappear? i wonder. selfishness, i still do not know how to have less of myself and more of others. everything is still about me. still do not know how to be more considerate. still activating my volcano easily. i prayed for forgiveness but have i forgiven the others? i prayed for mercy but have i had mercy on the others? i prayed for a cheerful heart but has my heart not be troubled by the worldly things? i had not been a good daughter nor i a considerate girlfriend. to friends i had not been kind and to strangers i had not shown mercy. i prayed to be a Christlike person but am i one step closer to it? i do not think so. i am so ashamed of my current self. i really pray for God to give me wisdom to handle the situations i will face and the determination of the tiger to achieve the resolutions i made.
secondly, i do not look forward to starting this new year. all too heavy and depressing for me already. i could not find a point of balance with i feel comfortable at. too much troubles and worries. i wonder if i can succeed in things i lay my hands on? probably not, because i am not useful enough. i wonder at time of trials, where are all my faith? God please help me, to be a lovable and teachable child, to be more enthusiastic toward my own journey of life.
"i need to be stronger and more disciplined!" cries my heart.
first of all, i am really disappointed with my own attitudes and bad habits. still the same old me, engulfed by selfishness and laziness. i thought i had improved at least a little bit throughout the year but obviously i was wrong. laziness is the most severe one. i still gave way to the playfulness and the wildness of my nature and i wasted this one and a half months holiday, which i should have used it to revise my studies. others could have succeeded my progression greatly just by study a little bit per day. i could have done it but i did not. i am such an useless person in managing my own life and time. gave in to temptations so easily. gosh! how i wish i am a little bit more hardworking. everytime i decide to be more disciplined but everytime i fail myself. how i wish i have the motivation to push me harder. and now i am so depressed. i do not know what should i do now. helplessness devours me like darkness covering the earth at night. when will my dawn reappear? i wonder. selfishness, i still do not know how to have less of myself and more of others. everything is still about me. still do not know how to be more considerate. still activating my volcano easily. i prayed for forgiveness but have i forgiven the others? i prayed for mercy but have i had mercy on the others? i prayed for a cheerful heart but has my heart not be troubled by the worldly things? i had not been a good daughter nor i a considerate girlfriend. to friends i had not been kind and to strangers i had not shown mercy. i prayed to be a Christlike person but am i one step closer to it? i do not think so. i am so ashamed of my current self. i really pray for God to give me wisdom to handle the situations i will face and the determination of the tiger to achieve the resolutions i made.
secondly, i do not look forward to starting this new year. all too heavy and depressing for me already. i could not find a point of balance with i feel comfortable at. too much troubles and worries. i wonder if i can succeed in things i lay my hands on? probably not, because i am not useful enough. i wonder at time of trials, where are all my faith? God please help me, to be a lovable and teachable child, to be more enthusiastic toward my own journey of life.
"i need to be stronger and more disciplined!" cries my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)